Hobbit Boot Camp: How the 13 Dwarves Would Have Trained in Middle-earth

Every Tolkien fan has their “what if” rabbit hole. Mine lately? What would a real dwarven boot camp have looked like in Middle-earth? Forget Peter Jackson’s behind-the-scenes drills for a moment—imagine Thorin Oakenshield actually putting his ragtag company through military training before knocking on Bilbo’s round green door.

And let’s be honest: the 13 dwarves in The Hobbit would have needed it.

Morning in Erebor: The Forge and the Feast

At dawn, the company gathers in Erebor’s forges. But instead of smithing jewelry, their first task is hammer conditioning. Think blacksmith-style workouts: swinging war hammers against anvils until their arms burn. It’s CrossFit… but with more sparks and fewer protein shakes.

Breakfast? Not lembas. Instead, dwarven rations: piles of roasted meat, tankards of ale, and bread dense enough to double as a blunt weapon. Training always starts with food—because a dwarf fights best on a full stomach.

Thorin’s Leadership Drills

Richard Armitage once said boot camp was the first time he truly felt like a commander. Translate that into Middle-earth: Thorin barking orders while the company scrums together like a dwarven phalanx. Balin plays the wise vice-captain, Dwalin takes charge of smashing through enemy lines, and Fili and Kili turn every exercise into a competition for bragging rights.

If anyone slacks? Thorin’s glare is punishment enough.

The Goblin Chase Gauntlet

In the film, the goblin-town escape is chaos. But in my imagined boot camp, it’s a drill. Picture the dwarves running through torch-lit tunnels, dodging swinging logs, and wrestling goblin-sized dummies while Bofur cracks jokes to keep spirits high.

And of course, Bombur has to squeeze through crawlspaces twice his size—because every company needs a conditioning challenge.

Radagast’s “Endurance Runs”

Because what’s a fantasy boot camp without an eccentric wizard? Enter Radagast, who shows up unannounced with his sled of rabbits. His contribution? Forcing the company to chase him across Mirkwood in what can only be described as the Middle-earth equivalent of rugby shuttle runs. Spoiler: the rabbits always win.

Dwarven Culture Class: Brotherhood Over Beards

No training would be complete without cultural immersion. Between sparring sessions, the company practices feasting etiquette (read: organized food fights) and develops non-verbal communication for battles. Bifur, with an axe stuck in his head, becomes the silent drill master—teaching the group how to “talk” through gestures, grunts, and beard tugs.

The final exercise? Facing down a dragon dummy in the forges. Each dwarf plays their part—Ori with his slingshot, Dori catching falling teammates, Gloin anchoring the front line, and Thorin rallying the charge. The lesson is clear: alone, they’re just squat warriors with axes. Together, they’re a wall of stone.

Why Nerds Love This Idea

The best part of exploring a “Hobbit boot camp” in-universe is that it makes you rewatch the films differently. Every coordinated move in Goblin Town, every synchronized charge, every brotherly shove suddenly feels like the payoff of unseen training.

It also highlights something Tolkien fans adore: the contrast between cultures. Elves sing and flow like rivers; men march like armies; dwarves? They scrum, feast, and barrel-roll into battle.

Want the Real Boot Camp Story?

This imagined version is fun, but here’s the kicker: the cast of The Hobbit really did undergo their own version of a boot camp—two months of rugby-style training, improvisation, and brotherhood forging. It’s one of the most overlooked behind-the-scenes stories in fantasy film history.

I dug deep into the details: who led drills, how Richard Armitage became Thorin for real, and why Bombur’s size was both a challenge and a secret weapon. You can check out the full breakdown here The Untold Boot Camp of the 13 Dwarves in The Hobbit